I am...

I am...
tired of  being who you want me to be
tired of  being anxious over...what???
tired of  lying so others don't worry
tired of  taking care of everyone
tired of  being nothing to you
tired of  wanting it to be over
tired of  never  getting  a hug
tired of  not sleeping enough
tired of  sleeping too much
tired of  feeling  worthless
tired of  a one sided  love
tired of  the panic attacks
tired of  you ignoring me
tired of  feeling hopeless
tired of  hiding my tears
tired of  not being seen
tired of pretending
tired of forgetting
tired of being me
tired of the pain
tired of burning
tired of cutting
tired of hiding
tired of being
tired.

As I struggle...

As I struggle through with all the demons that refuse to leave me in peace, I discovered that confiding in those that I thought was safe to do so was not.  At all.  I thought confiding in my mother would help me as well as ease some of her worries.  Not so.  As it turns out, if you get a little bit of alcohol in her, she'll tell you the truth.  She'll tell you how much it hurts from her point of view.  The way she sees it.  I should have never told her anything.  I should have kept the hurt from bio-mom to myself.  I should have kept the hurt from molestation to myself.  I should have kept the rape to myself.  I should have kept the loss of my son to myself.  I should have just continued to pretend as I had for the past 40+ years.  To keep her happy.  To keep her sense of security.  She has no idea that if it weren't for her, my father and my grandson that I would be dead right now.  I told her that.  It didn't matter.  Drunk words are sober thoughts.  Sadly it proved to be true tonight.  And my heart has been shattered.

Another day

Have you ever noticed that the bad days are better than those that start off great and then crash.  On the bad days you know what to expect.  You don't get your hopes up, everything is "normal."  We are used to this place, hell we've been hanging out here for years, right?  But on those good days that turn on you, well it's like being betrayed by your best friend.  Like Karma herself is laughing in your face.  Like the universe is playing a cruel joke on you that everyone is in on.  It feels as though that darkness has you by the ankle and IT will give you a little bit space but pulls you back once you start feeling good.  I was in a great mood this morning.  But now....My mood is becoming darker, my thoughts are spinning in my head and I feel so dejected.  What's the point?  Why should I try so hard all the time when it's just going to come back to this?  Therapy is helping but on days like this it feels like a battle that I'll never be able to win. The darkness is too strong some days.  It tortures me.  Engulf me.  Consumes me.  I am fighting with all that I have not to cry right now.  I need the clock to tick away faster so that I can get out of here before IT wins.

Is it worth it?

YAY!  I've been working hard on losing weight and exercising and being aware of everything I eat and drink.  And it has paid off, I've lost 60 pounds over the last year.  I've been feeling so much better and really enjoying clothes shopping 3 sizes smaller than what I've been used to.  It has been great!

BUT, a couple of weeks ago i saw a picture of me from behind and I cried.  Yes I'm losing weight, but the skin that is beginning to sag is horrible.  If I continue losing the weight and basically my whole body is one lose, saggy mess of skin, I don't think I could stand that :(

AND, I began this journey to become healthier and losing the weight is part of that.  But I believe if your are trying to be healthy, you also have consider your mental health.  And I don't believe that I can deal looking like a candle that was left in the hot sun to melt for the rest of my life.

IT'S not that I am that superficial, I'm just afraid that I will die alone.  I don't want to be alone.  I want someone that I can share my life with.  But who would ever find that attractive?  I understand some men like BBWs, others like thin.  But who would like a thin person covered in left over BBW skin?

SO, I can try and get the skin surgery to tighten, tuck, suck and remove the grossness.  I just have to come up with a few thousand dollars since it is cosmetic and not covered by insurance.  Easy peasy...not.  I don't want to give up on losing weight.  I don't want to be alone.  I don't want to look in the mirror and cringe.  I guess I am superficial and self absorbed?

waiting for death

Again I am overwhelmed with emotions that I cannot share with anybody.  More self-loathing that I'm not able to talk about.  And thoughts of self-harm which will only cause others to over react rather than accepting how I feel.  Accepting how I feel does not mean that they encourage it, it means that they will listen.  If I TELL you what I am thinking and feeling, it may worry you but it is a good thing.  When I STOP telling you anything - that is when you need to worry.  That is when I'm internalizing everything so keep from being judge by you.

So many people fear death.  I am looking forward to it so that I no longer have to deal with this.  It's almost torturous waiting for it to come.

Oh well, just another day in the life of me.

choose wisely

It is no secret that people do not always consider others when expressing opinions.  Everyone has a right to their opinion and I respect that.  I do not condemn others for thinking differently than me as I hope no one does me for thinking differently.  Expressing opinions and discussing opposing views can be a healthy and insightful.  But when people begin degrading another for their opinion, when they begin name calling, there is nothing good that can come of that.  Regardless of the topic, if you are not able to show respect for the opposing side, then you really have no place in the conversation.  Choose your words wisely, because once they have been said, you cannot take them back. 

how do i handle happy?

It seems like it's been forever since I've been happy. I live with the darkness following me, waiting to consume me again.  But now someone is making me happy...how the hell do I handle that?  He listens.  What? He understands. Huh? and he continued to hold me in arms as I opened up just a little. He makes me feel like I might be ok.  He makes me feel worthy.  And that is the hardest to handle.  I've spent so long feeling unworthy of happiness or love.  I block people to prevent them from getting too close, because they will just hurt me if I let my guard down.  I've been hurt. And I never want to feel that again.  But I let Sir in and I let him in way too quick to maintain any sense of control.  And surprisingly I'm ok with that.  He has become my life coach, my therapist and my friend.  I love him for what he has done in such a short time.  I can be me around him. No acting.  Just me.  A true friend that I can trust.  He takes the preasure away.  He takes the need to control away.  There is so much to deal with and he says I'll tell him when I'm ready. Will I be ready?  For some of course.  But for others?  The most shameful, the most gut wrenching skeletons? I don't know that I will ever be able to tell anyone those.  These are things I know I will deal with on my judgement day, but before then? I don't know about that.  But maybe...maybe.