to burn or not to burn, that is the question

a year and half ago if you have asked me why people hurt themselves through cutting or burning or depriving their bodies in other ways, i would not have been able to answer...i would not have been able to even remotely comprehend what would possess someone to do something like that to themselves...then easter day 2008 i figured it out...thats the day i started burning myself...always the same place, always to keep the wound from healing...and now i understand...it hurt less than the emotional pain...the physical pain made me cry...the emotional pain made me cry...the physical pain hurt...the emotional pain hurt...but the difference was the physical pain was something i could control...it was something that didnt hurt as bad as the helplessness and loneliness i felt in my heart...i knew i shouldnt burn myself...i knew t was wrong...i didnt want to do it but i could not endure the emotions any longer...i got help by talking to my doctor, getting on a combination of anti-depressants and blogging...it helps to put things down so that i can get the jumbled mess of thoughts spinning uncontrollably through my head into some sort of logical format...and the three things have been working...but there are occasions when the urge, the need to burn is so overwhelming that it takes every ounce of strength i have to not burn...tonight is one of those nights...i need a cigarette but im afraid to pick up my lighter...this is no longer something that i control...it is a battle within me...sometimes i win, sometimes i dont...burning has the edge tonight...but the night is not over...we'll see who wins and who loses.

doomed?

Everyday brings something new. Everyday you try to adjust, to adapt and to alter your daily life to accommodate the ever changing world. But sometimes, there seems there is nothing that you can do but try and make it through another day. Why must life be so complicated? Why are some days simply excruciating to survive? So, you have to ask yourself: Are these difficulties, this drama, of your own design? Or is pre-destined? Has the story of your life been predetermined, with nothing that can be done to change the order? Are the lessons we learn throughout our lives, from making mistakes, a stepping stone to the next obstacle? Must we learn from the here and now to move to on to tomorrow? 

There is theory among believers of reincarnation that we are doomed to repeat the same life, reliving the same mistakes and problems until we have learned all we can from them. Only then will you ascend to the next level of awareness, where you will be presented with new life lessons to experience and learn from. If this is the case, then are our attempts to be happy in this life futile? If this life is to learn specific lessons, then what pleasure, what happiness can be truly had? And where do you go from here?

the road to hell

So much has happened over the last couple of weeks. It’s like my life has been thrown into hyper drive and there is no slowing it down. I’ve made some decisions that have been extremely difficult and trying to the mind, body and soul. At times I’ve wondered if they were ever actually my decisions or those made by others with a heavy dose of manipulation to convince me otherwise. But, the decisions as they are were made and were made with the best of intentions. Now it seems that it has all been for nothing. That it has been a fruitless attempt to obtain some sort of ’normalcy’ in life. How naïve can a person be? How gullible can you be to believe that finally there will be an end to the madness? 

There is a point when one must accept both the blessing and the curses that have been placed in their lives. A time when you have to decide what risks you are willing to take to obtain that elusive, fleeting idea of ’normalcy’ when the conventional, accepted manners are no longer a viable option. What risks can you afford to take in order to end the curse and protect the blessings? Can you do both? Or must you sacrifice one for the other? Past experience shows that you can not have a blessing without a curse. It is a balance between good and evil. But, can a bit of evil be excused to protect the good? When all other options have been doused, is it permissible to take matters into your own hands? The options are few, the outcome unpredictable, but the results may be best for all involved. How do you decide? Remember, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. 

fate

fate can be a such a bitch. 
fate hovers over your shoulder, just out of site...you can feel it there waiting. 
waiting till your guard is down.
waiting till youre happy.
waiting till you have something tangible in your life.
then fate swoops in and destroys it all.
for those of us destined to be miserable, fate always hovers.
pushing you down. 
pushing everyone you love, everyone who loves you away.
fate lets you get a glimpse of what could be,
what happiness looks like
feels like
tastes like
but it wont let you get too close
it teases you
tempts you
tortures you
theres no escape from it
why do i keep fighting
im tired
im too tired to keep fighting
i cant do it anymore
fate, you win

trouble

so what do you do when you feel the whole world is closing in on you and there is nowhere to go? nowhere to turn? do you stay where you are, not making a move hoping that trouble will pass you by? do you take the chance that trouble will not realize youre not moving and stay as well? or do you make the move, knowing that trouble will be there waiting? stay here with trouble or go there with trouble? do you meet it head on and hope for the best? or do you give in and pray that it will be over soon?

i know trouble is here...and trouble told me it would meet me where im going...i cant win in this game that trouble has created...

ive burdoned everyone with this trouble too much as it is...i cant keep doing this to them...i cant keep relying on them to help me through...i have to do this, but God help me, i dont know how...i cant beat him...i cant win...

sorry is so empty

How can I ever express 
The sadness that I feel ,
When "sorry" is so empty
And wounds just need to heal.

I've made so many mistakes
In learning how to love,
Too many to be forgiven
Impossible to rise above.

Apologies are pointless
Just words said into air,
But my words are filled with sorrow
My heart filled with despair.

I pray one day you forgive
Let anger cease to be,
And know my heart is true
Though regret won't set me free.

dream for endless sleep

I saw my heart today
as it was ripped away.
I saw my heart ascend
to peace and love, to Heaven.

I saw my future fly
it raced into the sky.
I saw my future soar
and I can bare no more.

I saw my hope leave
on beautiful angel wings.
I saw my hope die
and i can only cry.

I can only weep
and dream for endless sleep.
And pray there's an end
to the pain of losing again.

it all becomes real

the light at the end of the tunnel is fading...the dark is overpowering the light and i am trapped on the wrong side...the faster i run toward the end of the tunnel, the farther it is...some nights i can feel the demons dragging me back into that horrid place where everything is real again, where every smell, every touch, every fear reappears...the nightmares infest my dreams...my freedom is only momentary...life has become a never ending race...always running, always hiding...wanting the light to last longer, the dark to go away sooner...there is no express lane to the light...night time is here, the darkness is here...and all i can do is wait...

we are all Pavlov's dogs

conditional reflex: a conditioned response that anticipates the occurrence of an aversive stimulus

everyone has a conditional reflex of some sort and with widely varying degrees...for instance...a soldier who has seen combat will typically react much more at the sound of a loud noise than others...an abused person who reacts to a raised hand or a yell...more famously are Pavlov's dogs which drooled at the sound of a bell...these are involuntary reactions, reflexes brought on by a specific condition in anticipation of what is to come...
throughout life everyone will encounter situations that impact them either, consciously or subconsciously, and we carry a reaction to that...it is a learned behavior...an automatic, involuntary reaction to an outside stimulus...

sometimes the reflex will go away on its own...other times it is an absolute, never-ending struggle to break it...and when the situation which caused this phenomenon is prolonged for weeks, months or years, breaking the cycle, breaking the behavior, forcing a change to the reflex becomes harder because it is ingrained in the very fiber of your being as a means of survival...so how does someone break the chain that holds them back?  i am trying to break the chains but i do not know how...

Close your eyes, open your heart, let it go...

Close your eyes, open your heart, let it go...

I've been thinking about my childhood lately and there's not alot about growing up that I remember. But I do remember how I felt...I was happy. Innocent. Adventurous. Fearless. Full of life. It was so much fun to make a tent in the dining room under the table so it was dark and make up stories to go along with the sounds "outside."  To play hide-and-go-seek at night with the other kids. It was an adventure to move to a new town and make new friends and start over again. Then it was innocence that allowed me to be happy. Those "rose colored glasses" you've heard about.

Close your eyes, open your heart, let it go...

Then came the loss of everything I knew. Everything my life was built upon imploded beneath me. There was no more happiness. The innocence was gone. My big adventure was getting out of bed. I had nothing but fear and a mere existence rather than a life. A part of my soul died. My faith was shaken to the core. My ability to trust destroyed.

Close your eyes, open your heart, let it go...

Walls were constructed around me with state-of-the-art precision. Walls too tall to see over, too wide to see around. And each time the nightmare came back, the walls were reinforced to ensure no one could get through. But they did. One by one the bricks were removed. My friends helping me escape the prison I had built to protect myself. One by one the walls started to crumble. But they're not completely down yet. The fear is still as real today as it was then. The sounds "outside" are no longer fun. My faith hasn't recovered. My trust is shaky.

Close your eyes, open your heart, let it go...

I decided I would never fall in love. I would never marry. I would never "belong" to anyone but myself.  Then it happened. I found love. Amidst the chaos, the turmoil, the rage and the fear, I found love. I did not want it. I tried to fight it. But love is too strong. And as wonderful as this is, it scares me. I feel like I've lost all control. I'm so afraid of being hurt again. I'm afraid my fear will mess this up beyond repair. And I'm afraid if I do get hurt I will never allow anyone close again. I will never love again. But more than being hurt myself, I'm terrified that I will not be able to stop the demons in my past from destroying my "now."

Close your eyes, open your heart, let it go...

My heart is open. My eyes are closed. I'm trying to let go of the past and hold on to the present. The future is too far away to worry about.

Love Me

~Love me without Fear.
~Trust me without Questioning.
~Need me without Demanding.
~Want me without Restrictions.
~Accept me without Change.
~Desire me without Inhibitions.

Internal Battles

Every minute, every hour, every day I am living my life to satisfy the expectations of others rather then the desires of myself. I would love to say there was a defining moment in my life when this began to occur, but the truth is I've always tried to please everyone. My parents, my teachers, my family, my friends, complete strangers. It seems if someone expected something of me, I would strive to make it happen.

But it's getting more and more difficult to accomplish. The expectations are higher, the risks are greater and the consequences for failing terrify me. And yet over the last several months I seem to fail again and again and again. Each time I fail, I fall further back. The further back I fall the harder it is to get up. There is a voice in me telling me to get up and try again so I will merely disappoint rather than fail. And there is another voice in me yelling at me to stay down and decide what I want and stop living for everyone else.

Live for myself? I've never done this. Can I survive on my own? Absolutely. Can I live a life for me? I mean truly live and experience the wonders of life and enjoy the smallest of pleasures as I do what I need to do for myself? I'm afraid the answer is...no.

missing

Moving through the day, some things stand apart from the rest of the world. The things that are missing in our lives, things that are yearned for so desperately, seem to surround us. Some days they simply make their presence known and a flutter can be felt within. Other days they taunt us, corner us, reminding us, screaming at us that we do not have it. The sound is deafening today. It's so loud the pain can be felt through my body. Nagging my thoughts, ravaging my hopes and sabotaging my dreams. Today hurts.