a year and half ago if you have asked me why people hurt themselves through cutting or burning or depriving their bodies in other ways, i would not have been able to answer...i would not have been able to even remotely comprehend what would possess someone to do something like that to themselves...then easter day 2008 i figured it out...thats the day i started burning myself...always the same place, always to keep the wound from healing...and now i understand...it hurt less than the emotional pain...the physical pain made me cry...the emotional pain made me cry...the physical pain hurt...the emotional pain hurt...but the difference was the physical pain was something i could control...it was something that didnt hurt as bad as the helplessness and loneliness i felt in my heart...i knew i shouldnt burn myself...i knew t was wrong...i didnt want to do it but i could not endure the emotions any longer...i got help by talking to my doctor, getting on a combination of anti-depressants and blogging...it helps to put things down so that i can get the jumbled mess of thoughts spinning uncontrollably through my head into some sort of logical format...and the three things have been working...but there are occasions when the urge, the need to burn is so overwhelming that it takes every ounce of strength i have to not burn...tonight is one of those nights...i need a cigarette but im afraid to pick up my lighter...this is no longer something that i control...it is a battle within me...sometimes i win, sometimes i dont...burning has the edge tonight...but the night is not over...we'll see who wins and who loses.
