"boomerang kid"

it appears that i have acquired another label by society - "boomerang kid"...i find the mind-set of americans comical at times due to these labels, but lets examine this particular one...america is in the minority when it comes to attitudes and expectations of families taking care of families.  generally the rule is once youre an adult, once you move out, you are on your own.  temporary housing may be obtained in your parents home - but the emphasis seems to be on the temporary...im an adult, i moved out, i left home and then i came back...initially it was purely temporary, but circumstances have changed and now i have become the caregiver, the parent, the supporter of the family.  and ive seen this quite frequently recently.


so when society applies a label with such negative connotations, are they even paying attention to what is actually happening around them?  i suppose i could have been a "boomerang kid" but i dont believe that is fair to myself or to any of the others who have surpassed the child, the daughter or the son role.  we are are so much more than that. we are a family!

the list

in working through these things that weigh so heavily on my heart, its forcing me to think about some of the smallest of things that have some of the largest of effects...why are things like the number of your speed dial or the order in which you fall in their "list" of friends matter so? and why when you are removed completely off the list to mingle with the mere acquaintances does it hurt as though youve been dropped from a building? am i surprised that this happened? no...yet it still hurts...am i surprised i lasted on the list so long? yes...yet it still hurts...did i deserve it? yes...yet it still hurts...

we arent eternal friends as he has said...he doesnt want that because hes too embarrassed to be my friend...and i have no idea what is going on in his life because that is the sort of thing you tell a friend, not an acquaintance...i dont look at his pages, i dont read his updates, i dont contact him...this is what he wants and i love him enough to give it to him...his happiness matters...he matters...i wish i did as well...

memories that haunt

the panic attacks are returning...brought on by the dark or a song or anything that sparks a memory...last night, driving to the store in the dark a song came on the radio and i felt the tension in my chest...at the store roaming the aisles waiting on jakes meds to get filled, i went down an aisle and the tension worsened when i saw a familiar item...the memories flooded back along with the guilt and hopelessness and isolation ive been feeling for too long now...i would never have thought something that was once a joke, was something we laughed about  could cause a panic attack...even now just remembering the sequence of events last night im beginning to hyperventilate...there is that knot you get in your throat when you want - no its a need - to cry, to let it out and have some sort of release... the memories are haunting me, wearing me down, breaking me...i cant deal with them...i cant handle the pain of them...so i have to distract myself...transfer the pain...move it...i can deal with that pain...but the guilt afterwards traps me...i need help but there is no one who can help me now...there is no one...there is only me and the memories...

nothing good happens after midnight

its late, its cold, im sick and my heart is broken...and being up right now is letting my brain wonder thru the past...thru emails and messages and pictures and everything and so i sit here crying alone wishing that my mind would just stop...looking back and remembering what was and seeing what wasnt isnt easy...but i dont know which is worse - missing the what was or realizing what wasnt...i miss him so very much and though we talk almost everyday still i dont think he understands that it is not the same - it is so different...i value his friendship but everything is different...i dont think i could live without him in my life so i will accept the friendship because he is a good man...i just wish he could feel the love in my heart - the sorrow and regret consuming my soul...i wish he  could see himself the way i see him...and i wish everything that was said then were true...the loneliness is palpable...the pain is excrutiating...my love is so very real...i would do anything for this man...but how  long do i allow myself to be punished?  how long do i punish myself?  how long  do i hold my tongue so as not to speak the words that i need to say?  how long do i trap and bury those thoughts, those feelings?  i know that we will never be together again and im beginning to accept but tonight was a horrible mistake...nothing good happens after midnight.