ramblings

People come and go in our lives. Few stay forever. Relationships end. Hearts are damaged. Trust is shaken. Accepting help from people is difficult for this reason. Allowing myself to trust someone enough not to hurt me is something I'm not completely comfortable with. There have been a few exceptions, I have allowed a few people to scale the walls that I spent so much time building to hide behind. And there have been a few disappointments that followed. I'm used to taking care of myself. Granted it may not have been ideal or done to others satisfaction, but it was me taking care of me. Me dealing with the consequences of my actions and decisions. If I start to accept help from others, what do I do when they go away? If I start to rely on someone else, how do I go on once they move on? If I begin to trust, how do I deal with their betrayal? I truly do appreciate the help that has been offered. But accepting that help not only requires me to trust someone more than I know how to, but it also means that I'm unable to handle things on my own. To me, it's yet another failure to add to the growing list. It's been mentioned to me that I'm not the only one with issues to deal with. I have never made such an assumption. I would never purposely belittle someones problems or feelings. And I don’t particularly like when people do that to me. So please understand that my refusal to accept help is not a reflection on you. And my stating that "it's not that easy" is not me assuming my problems are far greater than everyone else's but merely my frustration in not being able to share or explain clearly. So forgive me if I offend you, I'm doing the best I know how.