who is going to save you when im gone?

ive come to realize that depression is one of the most horrible illnesses a person can have...because it is a mental or chemical problem which is not visible, people believe you should just being able to "snap out of it"...everyday i am depressed...everyday i long for who i used to be...everyday i hate who i am...everyday i wish for a permanent way out...but no one wants to hear this...no one wants to know this...all my life ive been "happy" or so it appeared...if i was sad or mad everyone around me became that way too...i picked that up very early...then my parents began to tell me that i wasnt allowed to be sad or mad because it ruined everyone elses moods...that is an absolute horrid thing to say to a child...but it did make me a very good actress...i became very good at suppressing my moods, at masking my feelings...then going to my room and crying where no one could hear...but its so much harder to do that now...there is too much expected of me, too much criticism of me, too much of everyone and nothing of me...

i had an epiphany the yesterday that has refused to leave my consciousness...over the last two years i have been indulging in "self mutilation" by burning...but since i am checked daily for burns, ive thought of other ways of harming myself...and i began to realize that this is not a new phenomenon...i believe that the one underlying reason was to suppress those feelings that im not allowed to have...i hurt myself to punish myself...i allowed someone else to hurt me to punish myself...the abuse allowed me to feel and the depression allowed me to "believe"...

all because of a depression that has gradually intensified to the point of wanting to die...the one thing that has kept me here is guilt...guilt over what it would do to my family if i were to die...and guilt over who would take care of my family if i were to die...ive become the parent, the guardian, the caretaker of my family...who would take over for me?

no one...so i must stay and move through life on auto-pilot, masking my feelings so that anyone whos feelings are reflective of mine maintain a relitively happy mood...ive let this out, at least a portion of it...there is so much more that i do not have the guts to admit yet, but this is a start...

watch this... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lIdymq0DZc