waiting for death

Again I am overwhelmed with emotions that I cannot share with anybody.  More self-loathing that I'm not able to talk about.  And thoughts of self-harm which will only cause others to over react rather than accepting how I feel.  Accepting how I feel does not mean that they encourage it, it means that they will listen.  If I TELL you what I am thinking and feeling, it may worry you but it is a good thing.  When I STOP telling you anything - that is when you need to worry.  That is when I'm internalizing everything so keep from being judge by you.

So many people fear death.  I am looking forward to it so that I no longer have to deal with this.  It's almost torturous waiting for it to come.

Oh well, just another day in the life of me.

choose wisely

It is no secret that people do not always consider others when expressing opinions.  Everyone has a right to their opinion and I respect that.  I do not condemn others for thinking differently than me as I hope no one does me for thinking differently.  Expressing opinions and discussing opposing views can be a healthy and insightful.  But when people begin degrading another for their opinion, when they begin name calling, there is nothing good that can come of that.  Regardless of the topic, if you are not able to show respect for the opposing side, then you really have no place in the conversation.  Choose your words wisely, because once they have been said, you cannot take them back. 

how do i handle happy?

It seems like it's been forever since I've been happy. I live with the darkness following me, waiting to consume me again.  But now someone is making me happy...how the hell do I handle that?  He listens.  What? He understands. Huh? and he continued to hold me in arms as I opened up just a little. He makes me feel like I might be ok.  He makes me feel worthy.  And that is the hardest to handle.  I've spent so long feeling unworthy of happiness or love.  I block people to prevent them from getting too close, because they will just hurt me if I let my guard down.  I've been hurt. And I never want to feel that again.  But I let Sir in and I let him in way too quick to maintain any sense of control.  And surprisingly I'm ok with that.  He has become my life coach, my therapist and my friend.  I love him for what he has done in such a short time.  I can be me around him. No acting.  Just me.  A true friend that I can trust.  He takes the preasure away.  He takes the need to control away.  There is so much to deal with and he says I'll tell him when I'm ready. Will I be ready?  For some of course.  But for others?  The most shameful, the most gut wrenching skeletons? I don't know that I will ever be able to tell anyone those.  These are things I know I will deal with on my judgement day, but before then? I don't know about that.  But maybe...maybe.

regrets

I'm trying to deal with all the things that haunt me, that hold me back and keep me from being happy again.  And one thing that I've realized is that I'm very unhappy with how I've lived, or not lived, my life.  I love my family and would do anything for them.  But if given the chance to go back and relive or redo the past, would I?  I don't know.  Changing the past would almost certainly change my present which would include my family.  Would changing things then to potentially be happy now be worth it?  While I deal with issues now, would not having my family make me even more miserable? Or would not knowing what would have been keep me from the regrets?  And how many other lives would be different if I could change the past?  Several that I know of now.  But what other  people would be effected?   I almost wish that I could have the ghost of Christmas Past, Present and Future come to show me.  But what if what could have been is better than what is?  I can't imagine life without my family, but if I were happy in the "what-if" version of life, wouldn't that make my then family happy as well?  If things were different, would my mother have survived cancer without her "angel?"  

So the real question is not how could I change the past or what would change, but how do I stop regretting what I didn't do in order to make the most of now?

spinning, spinning, spinning

so many things are changing in my life now and i cant keep up...everything is moving so fast and once again im spinning out of control...

The struggle begins

Through these past several years, I have battled the darkness, tried to tame the voices and struggled to make it through each day.  I've burnt myself, scarred myself, continually put myself in bad situations and tried to deal with the guilt that followed.  I've spent so long in the darkness that finally seeing the light at the end of tunnel is terrifying.  For so many years I pushed everything away.  Hiding from the real emotions because how can I take care of everyone, keep everyone happy, not let anyone down if I'm dealing with my own life?  Well, there is only so many things you can push away before the flood gate opens and your world is changed forever. Nothing is right, you can't feel, you can't sleep, you can't live.  I'm on the high wire again - which way will I go?  Will I make it across into the light? Or will I fall into dark abyss?  To finish the journey and make it to the light, you have to deal with everything that you've tried to avoid for so long.  I think that is harder than existing in the darkness.  The struggle seems to be just beginning.