observations on my near-existence

Unseen Angels

2010-07-28T09:23:00.003-04:00

So just when I'm not entirely sure that I like people, an amazing thing happened. Mama started chemo last week and was given a quilt that was made by a group comprised of women who have survived cancer and family/friends of those stricken with this ugly disease. I believe it is the most beautiful quilt that I have ever seen. With it came a note saying that though they have never met, the quilt was made with love to let Mama know she is not alone in her battle. I am so grateful to these unseen angels because they made my Mama do something she hasn't done too often over the last couple of months - smile.

I have always wanted to learn to quilt, but now I feel like it is something that I have to do for others who will journey into the chemo room full of nerves and uncertainty. I hope that I can accomplish this. For Mama.

change

2010-02-28T22:41:00.000-05:00

it's interesting how things change...until a couple of years ago everything was "normal." then something happened, i don't know what or why or how, but i plummeted into a very dark place in my life, in my mind, in my reality...nothing was the same...nothing was "normal"...and no one understood...but i made some new friends who did, or at least tried...and they helped, they were there for me to listen and not judge...to help but not push...they became family...then things started to change again...and now they are gone...did i imagine these "friends?" were they just an illusion that i had built up in my head as a way to cope? why did i depend on these people to the extent that i did, and where are they now when things are a little better? i still need them because without them this masquerade for the rest of the world will consume me again...things changed - they lifted me up out of the darkness and supported me...but now my support has gone and i am struggling to hold on and not slip back into that darkness...i need them, but i guess things have changed...

2010-01-11T12:47:00.002-05:00

so many things are changing in my life now and i cant keep up...everything is moving so fast and i feel like im spinning out of control...

"boomerang kid"

2009-11-25T09:24:00.000-05:00

it appears that i have acquired another label by society - "boomerang kid"...i find the mind-set of americans comical at times due to these labels, but lets examine this particular one...america is in the minority when it comes to attitudes and expectations of families taking care of families. generally the rule is once youre an adult, once you move out, you are on your own. temporary housing may be obtained in your parents home - but the emphasis seems to be on the temporary...im an adult, i moved out, i left home and then i came back...initially it was purely temporary, but circumstances have changed and now i have become the caregiver, the parent, the supporter of the family. and ive seen this quite frequently recently.

so when society applies a label with such negative connotations, are they even paying attention to what is actually happening around them? i suppose i could have been a "boomerang kid" but i dont believe that is fair to myself or to any of the others who have surpassed the child, the daughter or the son role. we are are so much more than that. we are a family!

the list

2009-11-24T23:14:00.000-05:00

in working through these things that weigh so heavily on my heart, its forcing me to think about some of the smallest of things that have some of the largest of effects...why are things like the number of your speed dial or the order in which you fall in their "list" of friends matter so? and why when you are removed completely off the list to mingle with the mere acquaintances does it hurt as though youve been dropped from a building? am i surprised that this happened? no...yet it still hurts...am i surprised i lasted on the list so long? yes...yet it still hurts...did i deserve it? yes...yet it still hurts...

we arent eternal friends as he has said...he doesnt want that because hes too embarrassed to be my friend...and i have no idea what is going on in his life because that is the sort of thing you tell a friend, not an acquaintance...i dont look at his pages, i dont read his updates, i dont contact him...this is what he wants and i love him enough to give it to him...his happiness matters...he matters...i wish i did as well...

memories that haunt

2009-11-19T12:54:00.000-05:00

the panic attacks are returning...brought on by the dark or a song or anything that sparks a memory...last night, driving to the store in the dark a song came on the radio and i felt the tension in my chest...at the store roaming the aisles waiting on jakes meds to get filled, i went down an aisle and the tension worsened when i saw a familiar item...the memories flooded back along with the guilt and hopelessness and isolation ive been feeling for too long now...i would never have thought something that was once a joke, was something we laughed about could cause a panic attack...even now just remembering the sequence of events last night im beginning to hyperventilate...there is that knot you get in your throat when you want - no its a need - to cry, to let it out and have some sort of release... the memories are haunting me, wearing me down, breaking me...i cant deal with them...i cant handle the pain of them...so i have to distract myself...transfer the pain...move it...i can deal with that pain...but the guilt afterwards traps me...i need help but there is no one who can help me now...there is no one...there is only me and the memories...

nothing good happens after midnight

2009-11-16T13:20:00.000-05:00

its late, its cold, im sick and my heart is broken...and being up right now is letting my brain wonder thru the past...thru emails and messages and pictures and everything and so i sit here crying alone wishing that my mind would just stop...looking back and remembering what was and seeing what wasnt isnt easy...but i dont know which is worse - missing the what was or realizing what wasnt...i miss him so very much and though we talk almost everyday still i dont think he understands that it is not the same - it is so different...i value his friendship but everything is different...i dont think i could live without him in my life so i will accept the friendship because he is a good man...i just wish he could feel the love in my heart - the sorrow and regret consuming my soul...i wish he could see himself the way i see him...and i wish everything that was said then were true...the loneliness is palpable...the pain is excrutiating...my love is so very real...i would do anything for this man...but how long do i allow myself to be punished? how long do i punish myself? how long do i hold my tongue so as not to speak the words that i need to say? how long do i trap and bury those thoughts, those feelings? i know that we will never be together again and im beginning to accept but tonight was a horrible mistake...nothing good happens after midnight.

climbing out

2009-09-20T20:47:00.000-04:00

from the time a little girl sees her first disney princess movie, the dream of finding prince charming begins to take shape...whether it be snow white, cinderella or belle, finding love is our fantasy and we spend the next several years trying to find that...what we dont see at the time is that not all love will fulfill the idea given to us from those movies...we will have many failed "love" stories and have to try and put the broken pieces of our heart back together more than once...but love is what our hearts are for...

"love is a respect of the preciousness and worth of a person"

but what happens when we fall in love? this is much more intense and sets us up for much deeper pain...falling in love...why do we "fall" in love? why do we "fall head over heals" in love? i dont want to fall...i want to fly, i want to soar, i want to run or skip or walk...anything but fall...

webster defines "fall" as 1) to become lower in degree or level 2) to move or extend in a downward direction...love should lift us up, not bring us down...love should not lower us but raise us to a new plane...

so once youve fallen "in" love, how do you fall "out" of love? when being in love with someone hurts both of you, there has to be a way to fall out of love...some seem to be able to do it without problem... a friend recently told me that you fall in love and climb out...whats so appealing about that?

maybe we should redefine our story book fantasies and all the cliche phrases describing love...because climbing out of this chasm is next to impossible...

who is going to save you when im gone?

2009-07-15T16:01:00.012-04:00

ive come to realize that depression is one of the most horrible illnesses a person can have...because it is a mental or chemical problem which is not visible, people believe you should just being able to "snap out of it"...everyday i am depressed...everyday i long for who i used to be...everyday i hate who i am...everyday i wish for a permanent way out...but no one wants to hear this...no one wants to know this...all my life ive been "happy" or so it appeared...if i was sad or mad everyone around me became that way too...i picked that up very early...then my parents began to tell me that i wasnt allowed to be sad or mad because it ruined everyone elses moods...that is an absolute horrid thing to say to a child...but it did make me a very good actress...i became very good at suppressing my moods, at masking my feelings...then going to my room and crying where no one could hear...but its so much harder to do that now...there is too much expected of me, too much criticism of me, too much of everyone and nothing of me...

i had an epiphany the yesterday that has refused to leave my consciousness...over the last two years i have been indulging in "self mutilation" by burning...but since i am checked daily for burns, ive thought of other ways of harming myself...and i began to realize that this is not a new phenomenon...i believe that the one underlying reason was to suppress those feelings that im not allowed to have...i hurt myself to punish myself...i allowed someone else to hurt me to punish myself...the abuse allowed me to feel and the depression allowed me to "believe"...

all because of a depression that has gradually intensified to the point of wanting to die...the one thing that has kept me here is guilt...guilt over what it would do to my family if i were to die...and guilt over who would take care of my family if i were to die...ive become the parent, the guardian, the caretaker of my family...who would take over for me?

no one...so i must stay and move through life on auto-pilot, masking my feelings so that anyone whos feelings are reflective of mine maintain a relitively happy mood...ive let this out, at least a portion of it...there is so much more that i do not have the guts to admit yet, but this is a start...

watch this... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lIdymq0DZc

to burn or not to burn, that is the question

2009-05-30T23:08:00.001-04:00

a year and half ago if you have asked me why people hurt themselves through cutting or burning or depriving their bodies in other ways, i would not have been able to answer...i would not have been able to even remotely comprehend what would possess someone to do something like that to themselves...then easter day 2008 i figured it out...thats the day i started burning myself...always the same place, always to keep the wound from healing...and now i understand...it hurt less than the emotional pain...the physical pain made me cry...the emotional pain made me cry...the physical pain hurt...the emotional pain hurt...but the difference was the physical pain was something i could control...it was something that didnt hurt as bad as the helplessness and loneliness i felt in my heart...i knew i shouldnt burn myself...i knew t was wrong...i didnt want to do it but i could not endure the emotions any longer...i got help by talking to my doctor, getting on a combination of anti-depressants and blogging...it helps to put things down so that i can get the jumbled mess of thoughts spinning uncontrollably through my head into some sort of logical format...and the three things have been working...but there are occasions when the urge, the need to burn is so overwhelming that it takes every ounce of strength i have to not burn...tonight is one of those nights...i need a cigarette but im afraid to pick up my lighter...this is no longer something that i control...it is a battle within me...sometimes i win, sometimes i dont...burning has the edge tonight...but the night is not over...we'll see who wins and who loses.

doomed?

2009-05-24T21:52:00.000-04:00

Everyday brings something new. Everyday you try to adjust, to adapt and to alter your daily life to accommodate the ever changing world. But sometimes, there seems there is nothing that you can do but try and make it through another day. Why must life be so complicated? Why are some days simply excruciating to survive? So, you have to ask yourself: Are these difficulties, this drama, of your own design? Or is pre-destined? Has the story of your life been predetermined, with nothing that can be done to change the order? Are the lessons we learn throughout our lives, from making mistakes, a stepping stone to the next obstacle? Must we learn from the here and now to move to on to tomorrow?

There is theory among believers of reincarnation that we are doomed to repeat the same life, reliving the same mistakes and problems until we have learned all we can from them. Only then will you ascend to the next level of awareness, where you will be presented with new life lessons to experience and learn from. If this is the case, then are our attempts to be happy in this life futile? If this life is to learn specific lessons, then what pleasure, what happiness can be truly had? And where do you go from here?

the road to hell

2009-05-24T21:51:00.001-04:00

So much has happened over the last couple of weeks. It’s like my life has been thrown into hyper drive and there is no slowing it down. I’ve made some decisions that have been extremely difficult and trying to the mind, body and soul. At times I’ve wondered if they were ever actually my decisions or those made by others with a heavy dose of manipulation to convince me otherwise. But, the decisions as they are were made and were made with the best of intentions. Now it seems that it has all been for nothing. That it has been a fruitless attempt to obtain some sort of ’normalcy’ in life. How naïve can a person be? How gullible can you be to believe that finally there will be an end to the madness?

There is a point when one must accept both the blessing and the curses that have been placed in their lives. A time when you have to decide what risks you are willing to take to obtain that elusive, fleeting idea of ’normalcy’ when the conventional, accepted manners are no longer a viable option. What risks can you afford to take in order to end the curse and protect the blessings? Can you do both? Or must you sacrifice one for the other? Past experience shows that you can not have a blessing without a curse. It is a balance between good and evil. But, can a bit of evil be excused to protect the good? When all other options have been doused, is it permissible to take matters into your own hands? The options are few, the outcome unpredictable, but the results may be best for all involved. How do you decide? Remember, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

fate

2009-05-24T21:27:00.001-04:00

fate can be a such a bitch.
fate hovers over your shoulder, just out of site...you can feel it there waiting.
waiting till your guard is down.
waiting till youre happy.
waiting till you have something tangible in your life.
then fate swoops in and destroys it all.
for those of us destined to be miserable, fate always hovers.
pushing you down.
pushing everyone you love, everyone who loves you away.
fate lets you get a glimpse of what could be,
what happiness looks like
feels like
tastes like
but it wont let you get too close
it teases you
tempts you
tortures you
theres no escape from it
why do i keep fighting
im tired
im too tired to keep fighting
i cant do it anymore
fate, you win

sorry is so empty

2009-05-24T21:18:00.002-04:00

How can I ever express
The sadness that I feel ,
When "sorry" is so empty
And wounds just need to heal.

I've made so many mistakes
In learning how to love,
Too many to be forgiven
Impossible to rise above.

Apologies are pointless
Just words said into air,
But my words are filled with sorrow
My heart filled with despair.

I pray one day you forgive
Let anger cease to be,
And know my heart is true
Though regret won't set me free.

dream for endless sleep

2009-05-24T21:17:00.001-04:00

I saw my heart today
as it was ripped away.
I saw my heart ascend
to peace and love, to Heaven.

I saw my future fly
it raced into the sky.
I saw my future soar
and I can bare no more.

I saw my hope leave
on beautiful angel wings.
I saw my hope die
and i can only cry.

I can only weep
and dream for endless sleep.
And pray there's an end
to the pain of losing again.

it all becomes real

2009-05-17T23:01:00.003-04:00

the light at the end of the tunnel is fading...the dark is overpowering the light and i am trapped on the wrong side...the faster i run toward the end of the tunnel, the farther it is...some nights i can feel the demons dragging me back into that horrid place where everything is real again, where every smell, every touch, every fear reappears...the nightmares infest my dreams...my freedom is only momentary...life has become a never ending race...always running, always hiding...wanting the light to last longer, the dark to go away sooner...there is no express lane to the light...night time is here, the darkness is here...and all i can do is wait...

we are all Pavlov's dogs

2009-05-15T10:08:00.003-04:00

conditional reflex: a conditioned response that anticipates the occurrence of an aversive stimulus

everyone has a conditional reflex of some sort and with widely varying degrees...for instance...a soldier who has seen combat will typically react much more at the sound of a loud noise than others...an abused person who reacts to a raised hand or a yell...more famously are Pavlov's dogs which drooled at the sound of a bell...these are involuntary reactions, reflexes brought on by a specific condition in anticipation of what is to come...
throughout life everyone will encounter situations that impact them either, consciously or subconsciously, and we carry a reaction to that...it is a learned behavior...an automatic, involuntary reaction to an outside stimulus...

sometimes the reflex will go away on its own...other times it is an absolute, never-ending struggle to break it...and when the situation which caused this phenomenon is prolonged for weeks, months or years, breaking the cycle, breaking the behavior, forcing a change to the reflex becomes harder because it is ingrained in the very fiber of your being as a means of survival...so how does someone break the chain that holds them back? i am trying to break the chains but i do not know how...

Close your eyes, open your heart, let it go...

2009-05-11T21:12:00.004-04:00