the list

in working through these things that weigh so heavily on my heart, its forcing me to think about some of the smallest of things that have some of the largest of effects...why are things like the number of your speed dial or the order in which you fall in their "list" of friends matter so? and why when you are removed completely off the list to mingle with the mere acquaintances does it hurt as though youve been dropped from a building? am i surprised that this happened? no...yet it still hurts...am i surprised i lasted on the list so long? yes...yet it still hurts...did i deserve it? yes...yet it still hurts...

we arent eternal friends as he has said...he doesnt want that because hes too embarrassed to be my friend...and i have no idea what is going on in his life because that is the sort of thing you tell a friend, not an acquaintance...i dont look at his pages, i dont read his updates, i dont contact him...this is what he wants and i love him enough to give it to him...his happiness matters...he matters...i wish i did as well...