its late, its cold, im sick and my heart is broken...and being up right now is letting my brain wonder thru the past...thru emails and messages and pictures and everything and so i sit here crying alone wishing that my mind would just stop...looking back and remembering what was and seeing what wasnt isnt easy...but i dont know which is worse - missing the what was or realizing what wasnt...i miss him so very much and though we talk almost everyday still i dont think he understands that it is not the same - it is so different...i value his friendship but everything is different...i dont think i could live without him in my life so i will accept the friendship because he is a good man...i just wish he could feel the love in my heart - the sorrow and regret consuming my soul...i wish he could see himself the way i see him...and i wish everything that was said then were true...the loneliness is palpable...the pain is excrutiating...my love is so very real...i would do anything for this man...but how long do i allow myself to be punished? how long do i punish myself? how long do i hold my tongue so as not to speak the words that i need to say? how long do i trap and bury those thoughts, those feelings? i know that we will never be together again and im beginning to accept but tonight was a horrible mistake...nothing good happens after midnight.
