the panic attacks are returning...brought on by the dark or a song or anything that sparks a memory...last night, driving to the store in the dark a song came on the radio and i felt the tension in my chest...at the store roaming the aisles waiting on jakes meds to get filled, i went down an aisle and the tension worsened when i saw a familiar item...the memories flooded back along with the guilt and hopelessness and isolation ive been feeling for too long now...i would never have thought something that was once a joke, was something we laughed about could cause a panic attack...even now just remembering the sequence of events last night im beginning to hyperventilate...there is that knot you get in your throat when you want - no its a need - to cry, to let it out and have some sort of release... the memories are haunting me, wearing me down, breaking me...i cant deal with them...i cant handle the pain of them...so i have to distract myself...transfer the pain...move it...i can deal with that pain...but the guilt afterwards traps me...i need help but there is no one who can help me now...there is no one...there is only me and the memories...
