Close your eyes, open your heart, let it go...
I've been thinking about my childhood lately and there's not alot about growing up that I remember. But I do remember how I felt...I was happy. Innocent. Adventurous. Fearless. Full of life. It was so much fun to make a tent in the dining room under the table so it was dark and make up stories to go along with the sounds "outside." To play hide-and-go-seek at night with the other kids. It was an adventure to move to a new town and make new friends and start over again. Then it was innocence that allowed me to be happy. Those "rose colored glasses" you've heard about.
Close your eyes, open your heart, let it go...
Then came the loss of everything I knew. Everything my life was built upon imploded beneath me. There was no more happiness. The innocence was gone. My big adventure was getting out of bed. I had nothing but fear and a mere existence rather than a life. A part of my soul died. My faith was shaken to the core. My ability to trust destroyed.
Close your eyes, open your heart, let it go...
Walls were constructed around me with state-of-the-art precision. Walls too tall to see over, too wide to see around. And each time the nightmare came back, the walls were reinforced to ensure no one could get through. But they did. One by one the bricks were removed. My friends helping me escape the prison I had built to protect myself. One by one the walls started to crumble. But they're not completely down yet. The fear is still as real today as it was then. The sounds "outside" are no longer fun. My faith hasn't recovered. My trust is shaky.
Close your eyes, open your heart, let it go...
I decided I would never fall in love. I would never marry. I would never "belong" to anyone but myself. Then it happened. I found love. Amidst the chaos, the turmoil, the rage and the fear, I found love. I did not want it. I tried to fight it. But love is too strong. And as wonderful as this is, it scares me. I feel like I've lost all control. I'm so afraid of being hurt again. I'm afraid my fear will mess this up beyond repair. And I'm afraid if I do get hurt I will never allow anyone close again. I will never love again. But more than being hurt myself, I'm terrified that I will not be able to stop the demons in my past from destroying my "now."
Close your eyes, open your heart, let it go...
My heart is open. My eyes are closed. I'm trying to let go of the past and hold on to the present. The future is too far away to worry about.
