Internal Battles

Every minute, every hour, every day I am living my life to satisfy the expectations of others rather then the desires of myself. I would love to say there was a defining moment in my life when this began to occur, but the truth is I've always tried to please everyone. My parents, my teachers, my family, my friends, complete strangers. It seems if someone expected something of me, I would strive to make it happen.

But it's getting more and more difficult to accomplish. The expectations are higher, the risks are greater and the consequences for failing terrify me. And yet over the last several months I seem to fail again and again and again. Each time I fail, I fall further back. The further back I fall the harder it is to get up. There is a voice in me telling me to get up and try again so I will merely disappoint rather than fail. And there is another voice in me yelling at me to stay down and decide what I want and stop living for everyone else.

Live for myself? I've never done this. Can I survive on my own? Absolutely. Can I live a life for me? I mean truly live and experience the wonders of life and enjoy the smallest of pleasures as I do what I need to do for myself? I'm afraid the answer is...no.